June 19th

I’m almost positive he wants us living together. I want that too. I don’t like being apart from him. I can’t even sleep without him. But he got me to sleep a lot. Not 1 but 2 naps. He was sneaky about the second one too. He just curled around me and I could not resist him and snuggled in and fell right to sleep. I do not like how easily he controls me without controlling me, its second nature to him. He also goes out of his way to read me. It is not only disorienting but disconcerting. He throws me off balance ALL the time. 

I talked to Maria/Ton last night about him. She was positive about Jay and so happy for me. When she said not to worry about Zsa since she can't even follow her own expectations... it gave me a huge boost of confidence. 

I know he doesn't like being hidden? Is that even the right word.. no.. more like not official. At least on my side but the truth is I am working on it. We are still so new... its going to take time for me to make this official. Slyly slowly one by one. God I can just imagine him sitting across from me eating at a restaurant and telling me how much he loves how I taste. He is driving me slowly mad with his comments. He is destroying my composure and he loves it. It has not even been 3 weeks yet and he is everything to me. Allan and I did not even move this fast but I know when Jay sets his mind on something, me, there is nothing that will stand in his way. Its funny that the first time he saw me, that was it for him. I knew exactly who he was. I was NOT interested even though he is gorgeous handsome and I knew I was attracted to him. Jay to be honest has never been my type and still is not. The total loss of control I have with him, his ability to not only steer me in the direction he wants but to dictate my moods, actions. My desperate need to be who he wants me to be. I keep telling myself this is not me, but I think deep down this is me, this is what I need in a relationship even though it is NOT what I would seek out. He has never really given me a choice, the crazy part is that I seeked HIM out this time. I wanted this. I wanted the loss of control and let someone else be the one in control. 

He says this is happening naturally... no relationship I have ever had before happens like this. There is reticence. Being guarded and taking our time, instead we are just not holding anything back. Its like a bowling ball rolling down a steep hill and nothing can stop it. I hope we this intensity lessens but remains bright and hot. 

I am so grateful he is taking care of himself. 

I mentioned being there for the 4th and he wants to get a reservation for Dead Fish to watch the firework because its "romantic" his words... not mine. I love him so much. That he is thinking so far ahead, for me. How could I not? I guess I am just going to try to leave his house at 530 in the morning to get to work on Wednesday. Or 6am. Lord.. help me. 

So Lisa is on board. I didn’t think I’d be able to get it all out. But she is cautiously happy for me. Wants to meet him asap. 

I’m grateful he wants to meet her too and it’s okay that she joins us on the cruise. So timeline was moved up to September. Just get past the damn celebration of life and I can move on in my relationship. That’s less than 90 days. I want that. I want him. He’s so worried he’s not going to see me. But he is. He will. I don’t want to be apart from him either. He offered to come up. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say yes now. But we have to get used to this. As much as I want to be with him all the time. That’s just not possible. Not yet. 

He’s obsessed with those panties. Lol. I’m glad that’s all he thinks about. They did their job. I’m definitely pulling out the red satin this weekend. 4 nights without him. Then two whole nights with him. Not one. Two. 

He’s so fucking sexy the way he talks to me. It’s so hard for me to accept his compliments but I love them. I love him. I’m trying to get better at it. I am. He’s got me in a constant state of arousal. Even now my heart is pounding thinking about him.