June 26th

 New day and all... I was happy to see Monica and Sam last night. I cannot believe Monica is moving already. Where did June go?

Had dinner with Glenn and Amy, they will be in ATL this weekend. 

I do not know how or even if I will ever be able to fully process yesterday, I have no more clarity now then when I saw it. I see it as Allan NOT approving of this... why would he? He always worried this would happen anyways and then after us becoming more real as Jay says, is this what I want in a relationship? I have never felt more exposed and vulnerable than I do with Jay. I am almost 99% sure this is what scared me most about him before. I don't like being so readable, to anyone, but the truth is also, no one has ever loved me with the intensity of Jay. I cannot have the love I want, the relationship I want without him being able to read me better than I can read me. He knows this, I also know this even if I do not like it. To be honest, my first instinct is to run, because that is what I do when a relationship gets like this, I know I have little to no control. That there, that is the decision. Stay or run. Right now, this is the only moment I get to contemplate this. It would not be fair if I did this at any other time. After the incident it would make sense and I know Jay won't fight it. Who can he argue against? Allan? If I determine that Allan is against this, against me and Jay, then he and I are done. That's it. That simple. 

The truth is, I would never find someone even remotely like Jay. Not in his intensity, not in how he wants to take care of me, not in the love he is offering. I would be giving up the one person, ever, to love me, to complete me. He is so direct... so intent on me, but it is also different because he is also demanding the same from me. He is just not accepting what I have to give without me giving it all to him. As much as I want to be all of this to him, he has to give me a little more time to adjust, I do not think Jay can even kind of understands how much I have to open myself up to him, something no one has ever asked from me before. NO ONE. Not even with how intense things could get with Cosmos and I, we were never like this. Cosmos demanded no more than what I offered and he was content.

Jay will never be happy unless I give him everything.That is where the problem is. As much as I love our relationship, am I ready for this? For it to be everything. I felt it when we started again, I was losing the edge of where I end and he begins, the lines getting blurred right away. Before I had months before we got where we are today. Time to adjust but Jay is going to keep forging ahead, demanding more and more of me, emotionally. I know he isn't pushing hard intentionally. He is pushing but I know it comes from a place of knowing me and what I need, and its a fast adjustment than I am not sure I am mentally prepared for this and I am not sure how to ask for more time to adjust. I need and want his patience but I know he also gets frustrated with me. How I bring this out in him, I do not know. He has always been ALL or nothing. 

The choice is to ignore Allan, and choose Jay. 

The choice is to be miserable and alone, or be challenged in every fucking way possible and choose to love Jay. 

To choose to open myself up, be vulnerable and exposed from the inside out, or go back to feeling nothing and having no attachment to anyone. 

Choose the easiest course or the difficult one. 

I definitely need to talk to him tonight. I need to decide. I asked for a day anything more than that is not fair. The truth is that I cannot imagine my life without Jay but is that enough reason to lose myself in him? Can I do a relationship this intense all the time? Can I live with the loss of control? Having someone see in the darkest corners?Truly trusting him with my heart and all the dark secrets that I hide in there. 

Jay asked me if I miss Allan, I know he is trying to get me past the anger stage, but I have been in this stage since the day he was short of breath on April 1st. 3 months I have been angry and to be honest even before that. I could barely stand looking at him, much less Allan touching me. So there is a lot of anger there, months and years of anger. Knowing if I had not been so complacent he would most likely still be alive today. The choice is to be mad or let the guilt completely consume me, because that will be the next stage. I can feel it lingering, especially after the hats and the dream. Seeing him in my dream and he ignored me. Then add the hats to the mix... So yeah, the guilt is there and I am absolutely sure Allan would not be happy about Jay and I... I kind of want to get past tomorrow, Allan's 2 month anniversary and talk to Jay on the 28th