June 22nd

 Kaleidoscope.

I think that is the easiest way to describe how I feel. When you look through the eye hole, there are so many colors and shapes, but there also voids of color, darkness that contrasts against the bright colors that shift and move as you turn the mechanism. You can hear the soft sounds of the gems and colored glass hitting each other as they shift with movement. The absence of color, making the brilliant colors stand out even more. You need those pockets of darkness to highlight the array of colors because without them, it would just be a jumble of colors with no definition and would overall have little impact. 

The dark parts of my life are highlighting all the bright and colorful part of it. 

Rainbows are great, don't get me wrong... that band of colors, predictable in their arrangement, familiar, against a bright sunny sky after the rain, but it is just all bright colors, nothing dark but maybe a few remaining storm clouds. The rainbows come after the storm, but for me, the darkness, the colors are all intermingled at the same time, and with each turn of the kaleidoscope, the colors and darkness shifts. Sometimes more color than darkness, sometimes more darkness than color. Completely unpredictable in the patterns. That describes how I feel, every day. Not knowing if the colors or the darkness will be what rules my day and my night.

Right now, the darkness is really really trying to overwhelm me, yet again. Kind of how I felt at the moment when I reached out to Jay the first time. So over emotional with despair, that I was being impulsive.  He brings so much of the color back to my life. The hope I had lost years ago. 

To think, I thought at most, we would be friends with benefits because I knew that sexual attraction was still there, especially on my side. I would never have believed he could love me. That still surprises me every time he says he loves me, especially when he says it to me in person. All my insides just melt. 

And then, the past now, 2.5 months hits me. Even though a part of me still can't grasp how my lift changed in a blink of an eye, the finality and reality of it, I can't escape. Layered on top of this is yet another loss, looming. Won't be today or even tomorrow but its close. So close it consumes my thoughts and brings the darkness back to forefront when I thought I had banished all of that to a far corner of my mind. 

This time, I am mentally stronger and not on the verge of suicide or even wanting death. 

I am so excited for tomorrow. I miss him so much. My stomach is in knots. 

I’m so loving how that fenty outfit looks on me. He’s going to love it even more